Disappointment thy name is Shirley. A Crappy Review.

I hate articles that insist on telling you their entire life story before they get to the point, so here’s the point.

If they changed the name it might not suck so much.

A Dirty Shirley is an incredibly simple cocktail.

Vodka
Grenadine
7-UP
Ice
Cherry on top and add some lime if you’re fancy.

When I saw this box, I grabbed it based on the name alone. I didn’t bother to read the not-so-fine print. This is where my main gripe comes in. If I order a Vodka Tonic, I don’t want tequila in it. If I order a Mai Tai, I don’t expect it to be milk based.

I grabbed a can and that’s when I saw the ‘made with’ ingredients. Cherry infused vodka. Weird, but OK maybe that will work. Ginger. WTF? NO. No ginger ever goes in a Dirty Shirley. If I wanted a cherry mule, I’d make a cherry mule. Lime is OK So they appear to be going the fancy route. Lastly, the 6.9% alc/vol, is respectable. A kettle one seltzer is only 3.9%.

I poured it over ice and was disappointed before I even tasted it. The color is not the red dye #5 you expect from a grenadine drink.

So, no festive red ok, still not a deal breaker. Then finally came the taste test.

NO, just NO. This is NOT a Dirty Shirley. It’s not even close. Not even in the same ballpark. It’s infuriatingly distant from an actual Dirty Shirley

Traits they share: They are both wet, they are both carbonated, and they both share the same name. That is about it.

It was around this time that I decided to actually read beyond the name and see what they were trying to do here. They describe it as the Shirley Temple drink all grown up. NO, an actual Dirty Shirley is that. This is something else entirely. It almost made me long for 100ml of NIO where they at least name their cocktails properly.

What DOES it taste like?

After having my hopes and dreams squashed. I did a reset, went for a walk, meditated, watched the sun set, and then came back to the job at hand. I refreshed the imposter cocktail closed my eyes and tried it again.

There is a natural remedy for gout. Black Cherry concentrate.

Black Cherry concentrate is supposed to lower uric acid levels and alleviate the symptoms of gout. However, I think by the time you have an attack, it’s too late. The concentrate may be more effective when used to prevent an attack. Regardless, if you are having a gout attack you would piss on a sparkplug if you thought it might give you some relief.

That is what this drink tastes like, Black Cherry and very little else. No grenadine, no maraschino, and no 7-up. I didn’t really even taste the lime or ginger, just a light bubbly black cherry… and here’s the irony. I don’t hate it. Also, the 6.9% is a nice change of pace from many of the other seltzers out there.

It is NOT a Dirty Shirley, but it’s not terrible. Change the name and I won’t be as opposed to this obvious imposter of America’s sweetheart cocktail.

Maybe they can get Black Cherry Pie as a spokeswoman.